How Long

May 25th, 2024

This was the first song I ever wrote that made it past just writing lyrics. I wasn't proficient in piano or guitar at the time, but I was able to put together a few chords on the piano. I build the drum track around it as well and recorded some rain for the background. I was really enjoying the process and enlisted my dad's help to write the guitar part. During that year, I was really struggling with my faith. Due to that, I wondered how strong my faith was and if I was just pretending. Most of me really wanted to believe in God, but I couldn't find the strength to resolve my doubts. With all of that in mind, I wrote this song.

To start it off, I wrote the first thing on my mind when contemplating my experiences. Every time I fell down or made a mistake, I didn't learn from it. I would find myself in the same situation again and again. Every morning, I found myself doubting my strength to get through the day. I felt like an outcast and a pariah, always looking in from the outside. Part of it was my fault, but I couldn't help but feel like I was being pushed away by others. I never opened up. I was worried about how they'd see me if I told them my story.

All of that led me to the chorus. Wondering how long I could keep up the facade and try to heal with my own strength. The chorus itself is a cry to God, exactly as it's written.

The second verse is a reflection on trying to become someone else. I wanted to become a better man but was scared of the change. I also didn't want anyone else to tell me how to do it because of my pride. On top of that, I was in a relationship that I was worried about ruining. I wasn't sure if I was truly in love or just attracted to her physically. It caused me doubt myself even further and wonder how I could ever accept a love I felt I didn't deserve.

The final verse is my attempt to break free from my doubts. I began to understand that I wasn't alone in my struggles. I was able to see that I was in charge of my own story and that no one could ever put me in a box. A lot of what I wrote in the final verse was straightforward. I was tired of doubting myself and didn't want to hold any grudges against anyone who didn't understand me. Despite all of that, however, I still struggled with accepting forgiveness for myself. I was hoping to get across that even though I was making progress, I still had a long way to go.

I'm not the best at writing essays or blogs, but I hope this breakdown helps you understand the song a little better. This song is just Chapter 1 after all.